


I can be useful

by PanWithPlans



Series: Kingdom Hearts: An Introspection [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Also non canon death, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Choking, Flashbacks, Gen, Hiding Medical Issues, Hurt No Comfort, Ienzo is sad, Ienzo-centric (Kingdom Hearts), Introspection, Mild Blood, Near Death, Other Characters Are Referenced, Out of Character, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Strangulation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, descriptions of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23044501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PanWithPlans/pseuds/PanWithPlans
Summary: Ienzo never wanted to die. He never intended on it either. He had thought he gave something beneficial to the organisation.He didnt.Now, though, he can be useful, or he will die trying.
Series: Kingdom Hearts: An Introspection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1641547
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	1. Repress the past

Ienzo knows it wasn’t really his faut for being an emotionless prick. He was raised by scientists, and spent so much of his life as a nobody.

He almost didn’t know how to feel.

Then he was recompleted. He could help the guardians of light. He could be useful.

He would help them and push back the memories of his time in the organisation, of the awful things he did.

He wasn’t Zexion.

He wasn’t.

Zexion hurt people and kept himself hidden away to hide from his mistakes.

At first he had wanted everyone from the basement to remain as a unit, but they drifted apart as is common amongst the nobodies. He had grown up in the lab with them, they were all he knew.

But they didn’t care, so he wouldn’t care.

He knows he was rude, in a silent, judging manner. But it was all he could be. Its not like he had memories of love an affection. Memories of holidays with family and play dates with friends.

All he remembered was the lab, and ice cream with Ansem.

Ienzo wanted to forget Zexion. But Zexion was Ienzo, as Ienzo was Zexion.

He could never make up for what he did, so he would help.

He would be useful.

But none of his plans worked. He needed replicas. He needed time. He needed help. But he didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve help.

Some may say he didn’t deserve to die.

He did.

He deserved the pain. The hands around his neck as he lost air.

_and he couldn’t breathe_

_he couldn’t breathe_

_couldn’t..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

Why was he killed? He didn’t want to die. It was a justified death, but he didn’t want to die.

Ienzo thought he was useful. He took his missions seriously, went beyond the requirements for the benefit of the organisation. He never stepped out of line. Why did Axel have to be there.

Now when he saw ...

no.

He wouldn’t think about it.

He would help the light and forget the past.

He had to for the sake of the light.

He had to be what they expected.

He couldn’t die again.

So Ienzo would be useful. He had no other choice.

He wouldn’t die again.

He couldn’t, not again.

_not again_

he can be useful.

he can.

_he can_


	2. No cause for concern

Ienzo was sick.

His hands kept shaking, and he could barely focus on anything, whether it be Ansem’s code or something as simple as breakfast.

He was sick, but he didn’t know why.

Dilan mentioned it one time in the lab, and he had to brush back the sliver of hope that _somebody did care_ , and simply passed it off as a lack of sleep. Though, he was sleep deprived, so he wasn’t a complete liar.

He couldn’t let Dilan make him take a few days off, he couldn’t afford the missed work that it would leave.

He needed these replicas.

If people found out that he was unable to get Roxas and Namine replicas, they would get rid of him.

Ienzo spent every day dreading this inevitability. He knew he was expendable.

As a nobody, he was there to simply do the job, and if he didn’t, he would simply be turned into a dusk, and someone would be sent to find someone new to join the ranks.

Now? Well anyone can do science; they just need the knowledge. If Even was found, he would be gone. Unless Even wished for him to remain. But why would he? Even is smarter than him, has so much more knowledge. He created the replica programme!

But what if they didn’t find Even? What if the search wasn’t as extensive as was first…?

No.

He shouldn’t be thinking like that. Even’s life could be at stake and hes thinking about not finding him. About leaving him to the potential torment.

Instead, he would continue to search for Even, would continue to read into Ansem’s code, would continue to find replicas.

But first he would take Dilan’s suggestion and sleep.

After all, a sick scientist was a useless scientist.

And nobody wants that.


	3. Fading existence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: vague but obvious description of Ienzo getting choked and dying. Its in italics so can be skipped without missing anything.

Sleeping didn’t help. But Ienzo would return to his room every night to keep the concern from the others at bay.

Instead he just let people into his lab less often. He could do the work on his own, he didn’t need help. So why would they need to come in?

Sure, it was lonely. And he knows that his best work comes from bouncing ideas off other people, but he’s glad he made that decision so soon.

Ienzo didn’t want the others, people he looks up to, to be seeing him sat there for hours doing nothing.

Because what can he do? Even had the research on replicas, not him. He had knowledge on them but couldn’t make them. He doesn’t know how he fooled everyone into thinking he could do this when he was _useless_.

He spent hours dreading the calls he would be having with people, knowing he had nothing new to tell them.

But nobody ever looked at him with disappointment.

Until Axel.

He wanted to know how finding Roxas a replica was going. And when Ienzo had said there had been no progress, Axel had snapped.

This was the third time Ienzo feared for his life.

_and he could feel the hands around his neck._

_and he could feel the breath that never would never his lungs._

_and he could feel the snap and then black._

Ienzo had not broken down in his room after Axel had left. He hadn’t.

He wasn’t weak. Even as an 8 year old he hadn’t cried.

Instead he worked harder. Ignored the black that would creep into his vision.

He was fine. And if he wasn’t, he would pretend to be fine.

After all, a weak Ienzo was a useless Ienzo.

And he ~~wouldn’t~~ couldn’t be weak.

Then Ansem returned.


	4. Wasting the air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: brief, semi-vague suicidal thoughts at the end

Ienzo knows it wasn’t really his fault for believing that Ansem had gone mad and left them. He was a child, and it had made sense to believe them when he didn’t have any reason not to.

But why didn’t he question it when he was recompleted? Why didn’t he look into it?

Ienzo knows why.

He had always tried to succeed, to do Ansem proud after he so kindly took him in after his parents had died. To prove that he deserved the chance he had been given.

Then he had gone and screwed it all up.

He hurt people.

He failed everyone.

He was a failure, and now that Ansem was back, what was there here for him?

Ansem was smarter than him. He already knew what his own code was, would be able to solve these problems. And maybe he could get Even back. Do what Ienzo couldn’t.

But he had tried to hard to do a good job, to be useful for once in his life.

He just wanted to be useful, though look at how well that had gone.

He was useless and never could be anything more.

But he had to finish this, for everyone. If he helped Ansem, he could get some last moments of happiness before he was throw away like an empty replica, irrelevant unless it had purpose.

And once this was over, he wouldn’t have a purpose, and he would have to say goodbye. He was ready for it.

He would be gone before they could send him away.

No more Ienzo to waste their space.

As it should be.


	5. and he fell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide attempt, self-hatred,

Ienzo was not alright.

He was slipping fast, beyond any grasping hands.

But the war was over, and nothing mattered.

They had won. He should be happy.

But he wasn’t.

He hadn’t been happy in a long time. Not since he was but a child.

Even had returned to them. He should be happy.

He was, he had insisted that he was.

But if he was happy, then why was he sat alone in an abandoned part of Radiant Garden, staring off the edge of the crumbling building.

It wasn’t safe, but he didn’t care.

He didn’t care about anything.

He didn’t care about his poorly written reports, or the complaints he got from Even. He knew his work was poor. How could he write well written reports on research he couldn’t understand.

Ienzo had known that Even would raise that problem, had prepared himself for it.

But it didn’t matter, it had still chipped away at his heart.

It was a surprise he had a heart left.

But it didn’t matter.

He was alone, and would die in a place to be forgotten.

The restoration wasn’t due to even think about this area for months, and he would be gone long before then.

No need to needlessly bother anyone with his problems when he could deal with them himself. Problems he had always dealt with himself. It wasn’t worth it. He didn’t want to bother anyone.

He wasn’t worth it.

He was a useless scientist.

A useless human.

Useless.

…

…

…

Ienzo looked down off the edge of the building, the ravaged ground looking more and more appealing.

If he were to fall from this height just right…

Hah. The first thing he does right in months also being the last.

The only regret he has, is that he wouldn’t get to apologise for his mistakes.

Maybe this could be his apology. It seems fitting.

His life may be worth less than all those he took, but its all he had to give.

He would do this right, for Even, for Ansem, for the people.

Ienzo looked down.

and he fell


	6. If tomorrow does not exist, when shall my shattered soul rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide attempt (this happens during it), strangling, mentions of death, lots of self hatred.

_A key to his chest._

_Eyes flitting around him, looking for a way out._

_His body splitting in two._

_Nothing._

_A boy falling into non-existence._

_A cold hand around his neck in a burning room._

_Body seizing, lungs begging for air, any air._

_Snap._

_Blue eyes meet green as his magic is drained away._

_Nothing fades into the dark._

_…_

_…_

_…_

_Ienzo was always a bystander in the world._

_An orphan amongst scientists._

_A schemer amongst fighters._

_A darkness amongst the lights._

_And now, falling towards peace, he is the disruption to the peace._

_Always causing problems. Unable to fix them._

_…_

_They say time speeds up wen you’re on deaths door, but now Ienzo knows otherwise._

_Time had all but stopped, leaving him frozen in the air._

_It was quiet._

_Ienzo had always hated the quiet._

_It meant he could think._

_He didn’t like this kind of thinking._

_Thinking of what would happen when they find his broken body laying amongst the rubble, barely standing out amongst the destruction where he belonged._

_Because he wouldn’t be there, they wouldn’t need to pretend to be upset._

_They would bury his body out of courtesy, if they felt he deserved even that, and they could leave him there to rot._

_Would they need to notify the guardians? Maybe if they asked… but would they?_

_Most of them hate him for what he did as Zexion._

_They wouldn’t care._

_They would probably celebrate._

_Radiant Garden: Now with one less failure._

_A fitting name._

_He refuses to think about how many of the people in Radiant Garden barely knew him. Who would be concerned and horrified rather than grateful if they came across him._

_…_

_He never had parents, couldn’t remember them._

_Nobody to make sure he wasn’t staying up all night reading._

_Nobody forcing him to eat proper meals rather than the same three things over and over again._

_Nobody bringing him soup and water when he’s bedridden with a fever._

_Nobody-_

_Ansem had taken him in when he was small, given him a room and clothes._

_Ansem. The one who would take him on walks, talking to him through bites of seasalt ice cream._

_Even had given him a tour of the lab, giving him a tiny lab coat and letting him read through his notes._

_Even. The one who would chase after him when he would go for walks outside the castle even though he really wasn’t supposed to._

_Aeleus always carrying him on his shoulders. Dilan letting him help bake every Sunday. Braig helping him sneak out of the castle._

_But they hated him._

_They Hated Him._

_They-_

_Ienzo has faced death before, knows its pain and the quiet it gives._

_He knows that it takes and takes and takes._

_It takes his existence._

_It takes his nonexistence._

_It takes_

_It takes_

_It-_

_Maybe his calling wasn’t in science like Even._

_Maybe in having his path decided as a boy denied him the chance to write his own future._

_Now he doesn’t have a future to write._

_Maybe if he did, he would join the restoration committee._

_He could understand computers and data._

_He knew Radiant Garden._

_Maybe he could help in that way._

_But he didn’t have a future to decide._

_He didn’t have a different path._

_He didn’t have another chance at life._

_He couldn’t choose for himself._

_He couldn’t…_

_He couldn’t…_

_Did his family- were they his family?- hate him._

_Did they care or was it obligation_

_Ienzo didn’t want to be an obligation._

_He wanted to…_

_He wanted…_

_What did he want?_

_He wanted to help Radiant Garden._

_He wanted to know who he was._

_He wanted to forgive himself._

_He wanted to live._

_He wanted to live._

_He couldn’t die now. Not thinking everyone hated him, and everyone thinking he hates them._

_He couldn’t die knowing he lived a life as an imposter in an empty body._

_He wanted to eat ice cream with people He wanted to make friends, his own friends._

_He wanted to live._

_But sometimes the most important realisations happen when there’s no time left._

_There’s no time left._

_There’s no time._

_There’s no-_

_He just needs more time!_

_But he doesn’t have it._

_Instead he’s falling down into the rubble with but a margin of error._

_Normally, in experiments he did, things never ended in the margin of error._

_Ienzo wasn’t special. He would follow the trend and end up a number in a statistic, a dot on a page._

_It’s what he deserved._

_Perhaps not what he wanted, but it’s what he deserved._

_He closed his eyes as the world sped up._

_…_

_…_

_…_

“Ienzo!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the writing seems chaotic and unorganised, it was intentional to try show how Ienzo would be thinking at this moment, thought jumping around with no attempt to focus them.


	7. a flash of green

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: aftermath of a suicide attempt, a dying character, mentions of blood and injuries

Reaching out to to make it in time.

_he was falling. falling. falling._

He wouldn’t make it.

_he wouldn’t make it._

He wouldn’t make it.

“Ienzo!”

_and he fell._

* * *

_hands on his arms. on his pulse. on his head._

Was he alive? He had to check he was alive. Broken legs, maybe the arms. Too much blood.

_cold. why was it so cold. had even left him encased in ice to die._

He had to stop the bleeding. He had to do something. He wouldn’t let Ienzo die.

_who was there. who cared enough to help him. his hand reached out, searching for any contact._

He saw the movement and took the hand without a second thought as he wrapped some of his shirt around the arm. He couldn’t let Ienzo think he was alone if these were his last moments.

_demyx. he cared. someone cared. he let his eyes close, if only for a moment to take it in._

He saw Ienzo close his eyes, and prayed that anyone would arrive to help. He didn’t know healing spells. He had no potions. All he could do was hold his hand, giving comfort in these near final moments.

_goodbye demyx. tell even that I’m sorry. know that I am glad you care._

“Even! Help him!”

_this may not have been his destiny. but he’s glad he won’t go alone._

“Ienzo!”

_a flash of green. then darkness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologise if its messy. some of it was intentional, but if there are any obvious mistakes that i missed please let me know. :)


End file.
